Saturday, January 21, 2006|
Friday, January 20, 2006
It's hard to tell if this should be filed in the Library of Congress under fiction or nonfiction.I'd like to tell Abu Gonzo where he can file it.
Dear Red States:
We're ticked off at the way you've treated California (all the blue states for that matter*), and we've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly:
You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and antiwar, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.
They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Princeton, Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Caltech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Seattle, Hawaii and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.
By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
the happy citizens of New California.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
He's a Republican and he's up for re-election this year.
His Democratic challenger is Slade Mead. Mead used to be a Republican. He was a state senator. Then a couple of years ago, he crossed his party's leadership and supported Governor Janet Napolitano's education bill instead of the much leaner Republican version.
The Maricopa County Republican Party retaliated, targeting Mead in his next primary, and spent $150,000 on yard signs that said Mead raised taxes. Consequently, Mead lost in the 2004 Republican primary.
The next morning, Mead got a phone call from Governor Napolitano. She offered her condolences. Then she suggested that Mead switch parties. A friend from the legislature, Senator Harry Mitchell, called later with the same suggestion. Mitchell added that after Mead became a Democrat, he should run for Superintendent of Public Instruction. And that's exactly what he's doing.
Which brings us back to the current Superintendent, Republican Tom Horne. Tonight I had dinner with an old friend. He's an attorney. He used to work at a certain Phoenix law firm. Once upon a time, Janet Napolitano worked there, too. And before that, Tom Horne also worked there.
The story my friend told me was that, back in the day, Horne had a reputation for sexual harassment. He used to hit on the secretaries at the firm. He did it a lot. And a few of them eventually complained.
The way the story goes, the firm paid off the first two women. After the third complaint, Mr. Horne was told to find somewhere else to hang his shingle.
This is the guy who is in charge of all of Arizona's public schools. Arizona voters need a history lesson.
I have no doubt that Chris watched those pictures again and again and again --- until his hand got tired.I'm just glad there are no pictures floating around the internets of me wearing a parachute harness.
Monday, January 16, 2006
"We're out to kill the fuckers. We're simply trying to eliminate them. Our goal is to eliminate environmentalism once and for all."
Nice folks. Hunter at Daily Kos follows the money and finds a conspiracy of convenience. And a pack of lying liars. Go read.